Insighted Mind

And I'm back

Tue, 12 Aug 2008 17:29:16 GMT

It's been a long time but i'm finally up and running again. Computer crashed back in May and I've only just managed to get it fixed.

On to happier things, i started a steampunk/vitorian era novel yesterday. It's always fun to try something new and i've never done steampunk before so i wanted to try it out.

Also Quizzies:

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Okay so i'm off to write more, wish me luck

Arrr!

Sun, 25 May 2008 21:14:25 GMT

Bloody Charity Rackham

Every pirate lives for something different. For some, it's the open sea. For others (the masochists), it's the food. For you, it's definitely the fighting. You have the good fortune of having a good name, since Rackham (pronounced RACKem, not rack-ham) is one of the coolest sounding surnames for a pirate. Arr!

Get your own pirate name from piratequiz.com.
part of the fidius.org network </div></div>

Fri, 14 Mar 2008 23:59:09 GMT

Crap :(

WANTED FOR THE PASSIONATE SHOOTING of an EXPENSIVE LEMUR

$2700

</div> What's Your Blog Wanted For?

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so creepily true

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That's all for now

So i've been a moody biatch

Sat, 08 Mar 2008 00:07:25 GMT

Yep, hands up i'm admitting it. Lately i've been very unhappy and i think it's to do with my feeling of being trapped. I'm trapped in this place, in this house, in this room, in my mind and some times it feels like it's suffocating me.

I want to be honest from now on, i'm sick of lying and pretending everything is fine when it's not. So i'm going to let you in on a little secret; sometimes at night i want to fly away from all this. I want to feel the wind in my face and just be up in the stars where no-one can hurt me.

I've lost all my friends bar 1 over this and that hurts sometimes. The friends i do still talk to occasionally, well i don't know what they think about me and my "condition" but i don't say and they don't ask. I lie to be frank about how i am, why i am and i'm done.

From now on i vow to be a better person and to live my life the way i deserve too, out there with people, interacting.

I think i'm scared to grow up but i'll be 20 in 2 days (eek) and i don't want to have nothing to look forward too. So this is it, the new me and some people may not like that but that's their problem not mine.

To walk among the shadows is to live in fear of the light

I'm done being scared of being noticed, i'm going to walk in the light and nothing or no-one will hold me back.

Peace
Kirsty

Wed, 27 Feb 2008 17:02:08 GMT

So i was supposed to write in on my lj but since my internet is down i'm typing it on word pad and then i'll post it to my lj later.

It's my 20th birthday in a few weeks and here's the thing; i have done absoluetly nothing with my life. I'm going to be twenty and i have nothing to show for it. I have no good GCSE grades, i've never had a serious boyfriend and i don't think i've ever truely lived and that scares me.

I feel like my life in unravelling at the seams. I've just spent twenty minutes crying and i'm not even sure why. I hate my life. There i can say it, i do, i hate my life. I hate the person i am. I'm so miserable all the time and i walk around with a fake smile plastered on my face like it matters, like i'm getting better but i'm not. I'm more scared than ever and i don't know how to work past it and here's the shocker, i'm not even sure that i want to anymore.

I'm not sure if i want my life back, i don't think i deserve it anymore...maybe i never really did. I hate telling everyone that i'm "fine" or "okay" when in fact i'm slowly loosing my mind. I hate the fact that none of my friends know (except Becci) and i hate the fact that i can't tell them because i'm scared of what they'll think of me. I hate that one of my friends that i did tell deserted me like i wasn't important enough since i wasn't well and i hate that that makes me feel hate.

I am so sad that words can really not describe how i feel. I have to be at an appointment in fifteen minutes but i'm not going to go. I can't or maybe i don't want to. I am so lost i'm not sure where the fake Kirsy ends and the real Kirsty begins. I'm scared that if i show people the person i really am, they'll turn away from me.

But the thing that scares me most is that i'm not sure how much more of this i can take. I can't make myself better and if i can't get better then i'm not sure what's left for me.

EDIT:

Just spoke to my mum and through the crying we talked and i'm not really sure what's going to happen next.
So stay tuned. sorry but if i don't laugh i'll loose it again.

Because I'm Bored And Not Doing The Work I Should Be Doing

Tue, 19 Feb 2008 19:09:15 GMT

Yes it's that time of the month again...no not that time, the quiz time ^_^

So here are some quizzes I took to keep procrastinating. Groove on Groovesters.

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And one final test that i took for one of characters i'm writing about:

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Go Eden:D
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Quizzes aka copying the becci

Sat, 26 Jan 2008 15:28:56 GMT

i don't know how to do lj cuts so forgive me

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Also...

Fri, 11 Jan 2008 19:13:59 GMT

Wrote loads more notes including a three page (A4!!!!) double sided history on one of my characters. I'm really excited about this story but i'm pacing myself as i tend to burn out.

Wish me luck :)

What gives you the right?

Fri, 11 Jan 2008 19:12:14 GMT

I have to ask the age old question : why is my father such an arse!

My sister is going for an audition tomorrow for a musical and my dad was all "why do you want to do that?" as in that she's not good enough and totally condensing and belittling her when she's so scared to audition because she doesn't think she's good enough. I don't get along with my sister all that well but to deliberately hurt someone when they are trying to do what they always have wanted to do is such a horrible thing.
He's so bloody critical of us that i gave up a long time ago trying to pander to his ideals. I remember one time when i washed the car and my dad reduced me to tears because i hadn't done a good enough job even though i'd spent hours cleaning all the dirt and everything off it. I was 11 at the time.
He moans that we're not doing the things we want to do and then we try he makes us feel as if it's useless. Don't get me wrong i love my father (even though i'm still not sure that he feels the same for me) but it's hard to get along with him when he is so critical even though his life isn't that great. He's always talking about how much of a burden i am and how he though us kids would have moved out by now.

Yeah because this is exactly how i wanted my life to be, being so emotionally crippled i can't be around people.

I hardly move around in the house a lot, i only watch tv when everyone else has gone to bed, i eat my meals on my own and i spend half the day sleeping, and the rest in my room or out of the way.

I'm just angry that we let him get to us as we do. He really hurt my sister (she cried and she never cries) and he doesn't even seem sorry. It's not on, at least one of us deserves to have some kind of good future and my sister's the only one that can do that.

Yey Day

Mon, 07 Jan 2008 20:38:01 GMT

So today my stuff arrived from Play and i was so happy because i finally have Alias Season 2 and Angel Season 4 and the first episode of Alias S2 has a shirtless Vaughn so i was very happy...and last night when i was channel hopping i stumbled on a Firefly episode (Objects In Space) and it was at the part where Simon (Sean Maher) was shirtless so all in all a very good night/morning. I have to say though i have never seen a doctor that buff, he must spend the time he's not at work in the gym.

Nothing much else to report other than story is going well. Did another six pages of notes for the "Haze" story. And got some inspiration when I watched Dark Angel Pilot episode this morning. Another show i must die on dvd. I love the relationship between Max and Logan and how even though he's got a shotgun pointed at her chest you know the girl is in complete control of the situation, gotta love super powered girls.

No We're Never Gonna Survive Unless We Get A Little Crazy

Sun, 30 Dec 2007 21:31:18 GMT

Yes I am writing again and I'm obsessed with Alanis Morisette. She's just brilliant.
The perfect song for the ending of book 1 of my Echoes of the Netherworld books is her cover of Seal's Crazy. Totally sums up Eden's life.

Also love the song bitch by meredith brooks, sums up Eden too. :D
feeling really good right now

Have a Christmasy Christmas

Mon, 24 Dec 2007 21:55:48 GMT

So today is Christmas Eve and it's the final rush before the big day and i've still got loads to do, I've got to make a double batch of mince pies, set the table, prepare the christmas vegetables and beautify myself. Well i picked the most important one and have already started on making myself looktip I've already spent ten minutes making sure my eyebrows look barely presentable and as i'm typing this my pore strip on my nose has hardened and its slightly painful to flare my nostrils...not that i do that a lot mind you.

I still have to decide on what to wear but i'm picking out two different outfits and i'll see which i feel like wearing on the day. I have a gorgeous dress which some of you have had to listen to me rant about for ~~days weeks~~ months. Ouchey just took off the strip and i think i may have lost the top layer of skin from my nose and it still feels like the strip is on but on the plus side it makes my nose look smaller which is always a good thing.

Also was going through my sister's make-up/jewellery/hair/body box and found some face firming cream... may i remind you all that is only three years older than me. This thought does not cheer me up as it means she is already getting flabby face. She is not a big planner for the future so i don't think she brought it for ten years down the line. I was actually nosing (no pun intended) because i am hoping she has some nice nail varnish i can "borrow" (well you can't exactly give it back can you) as all mine seem to go thick and lumpy after a few months, which is a darn shame. She's buggering off at 5pm tomorrow (yes mid Christmas day...well middish) to go visit one of her friends. When i asked her why she said she was bored of just staying in and watching tv with us. I asked her casually later on what'd she'd be doing with sister stealing friend and her reply was "ohh nothing much just watching tv i think." I did not say what was on my mind otherwise there would have been a christmas eve row and nobody wants that especially since dad's already been through two bottles of beer and was singing along to Cliff Richard, i could hear him through the floor.

Well must go and make mince pies, have a shower, do my nails and figure out what to wear tomorrow. I will try to take lots of pictures but i'm in a bit of a tizzwazz now as i haven't even though of anything to do with my hair and down is so boring. I was thinking of trimming my fringe a little but a quick skip down memory lane (well 4 months ago) was enough to change my mind. Nobody wants to see the startled/oops i've set fire to my fringe look again.

Now i really must go so i'll love you and i'll leave. To my friends i shall say "Merry Noel.(not noel edmonds btw)" and to my non friends i simply say "why are you here? you don't even know me. surely you have better things to do than read some girls mad musings."

I may be slightly insane but i did just drink a whole bottle of cider (the small ones divey i am not a wisbech chav) and i must say that the last time alcohol entered my blood stream was when i took a sip of my mum's drink thinking it was lemonade...it was not.

Well goodnight and have a lovely Christmas and if you can't do that then at least keep your dad's tie out of the way when he sets fire to the christmas pud.

Au revoir

I guess that's it then

Wed, 12 Dec 2007 18:27:20 GMT

So today i realised something i should have a long time ago and with this realisation comes clarity for me. I finally get it and now that I do even though I am so sad i feel like my heart could break it's all right because i finally understand and maybe now i can begin to get over it.

So i had an appointment with my mental health nurse today and i was still feeling shit from yesterday's argument but i went anyway just to prove to my dad that i could but i freaked out while i was with her and asked if i could have another appointment for when i feel better. But she walked me out and we talked and it was nice, standing in the cold and i told her about the argument and how i felt they didn't understand and she said she'd find some things and send them to me so they could better understand.

So i was feeling a little disheartened because i'd screwed up and i'd showed just have fragile i still was, anyway we get home and i am a little out of it just feeling sad so i go upstairs to find Casper to make me feel better. he's in my parent's bedroom and mum and dad are talking but i go in anyway and stroke casper when my dad starts telling me (for like the sixth time today) "i hope you don't expect much for christmas since i bought you that computer for christmas and your birthday." I don't say anything about the fact that i'm paying for some of it and that it was only a christmas not a birthday present or mention that only a few days ago he was looking at buying me a £25 watch for christmas.

I do mention that the computer was a trade so he had my laptop which he quickly denies "no i got you the computer because YOU wanted it it had nothing to do the laptop." Even mum thinks this is strange "I thought it was a trade."
Dad shakes his head "no SHE wanted the computer i just took the laptop because SHE didn't want it anymore." Yeah like out of the goodness of his heart, how sweet .
So i say "Fine i'll take the laptop back and sell it then if we didn't have a trade."

Dad: "No i'm just saying I bought you a computer.

So i leave and then from the top of the stairs i hear
"I also got you that laptop too."
I don't point out that the last time he had any input in my birthday/christmas presents/cards was when i was 2 but i do say that perhaps he wants everything back that they bought me for presents to which he laughs and says "yeah that'll do nicely."

So here's what i realised: my father does not love me.
I've always known it, i can't remember when he's ever praised me or said he loves me. I can't remember him ever saying how proud he is of me even when i was well. All i can remember if him being overly critical of everything i have ever done. He has never given me one ounce of compassion or kindness even when i have been so ill i've been screaming in pain.

I should also mention that neither he nor my sister have apologised for yesterday which further makes me believe they honestly think they are right.

All the good memories i have of family life are of my mum. Looking back i can't even see my father in any of them. My sister barely features as well and i know this is because my father loves her more. I know that sounds silly and stupid and spiteful but it is true and i think even my sister has realised it. he's always talking about her to people, always telling her how proud he is, always laughing with her.

Like i said before this has made me so very sad but now that i have realised it i can stop pretending that he does because it is never going to happen. If you had a daughter would you ever constantly mock and bully her by telling her she's stupid, she's wasting her life and you wish she'd just leave home particually when she's fighting a battle to get her confidence and inner strength back. Every time i feel like i make process he'll mock me or say something mean or sarcastic.

So although i feel so terrible right now at least i finally know who is on my side in this; my mother. Words cannot say just how much i love her. She has never judged me or insulted me and she tells me all the time how proud she is of me and how much she loves me. She has been a rock to me and i will never ever forget just how much she has done for me and how much i love her.

This may seem like an emo post or whatever but it's not it's genuinely how i feel and what i have discovered. I might be a little distant for a few days but i'll be back on monday...nothing or no one person can ruin me...i am stronger than them.

I am using my right to vent so suck it

Tue, 11 Dec 2007 23:59:03 GMT

I am really pissed off (the feeling has been going down since tea but it's still there) at my father and sister. I have never known a bigger bunch of hypocrites and tosspots than these two.
As you may or may not know i am recovering recluse having spent three/four years of my life unable to travel even by car or foot due to mental health problems but recently i have started to work on getting myself back to how i was. Well anyway yesterday i did the most i have ever done in a car in about three years. I went to the edge of our village (about ten minutes in the car) and then headed back to halfway (another five minutes), did a loop (another ten minutes) and then went all the way to lake's end, stopped got out of the car and spent about five minutes looking at the lights there. All in all i spent nearly an hour in the car without freaking out.

So today i go up to the shop in the car to buy a hair magazine as i'm thinking of having my locks cut short as they are getting to the really starting to get on my nerves and they're heavy stage so i'd like to become lighter. Annnnnyho so i come home all happy because i finally feel good and i'm really making progress and then my dad and my sister start on at me for no reason, saying that i'm missing out on life. Well duh, talk about stating the fucking obvious but there is nothing i can do about it. So my sister is all "well you could try going out." hmmm so my trips in the car are not actually happening it's all in my head. She genuinly believes that all i have to say is "i'm gonna go out." and i'll be her definition of normal again. And she talks in this annoying preachy tone as if she's better than me (which she has admitted she thinks she is because she has a degree and i don't) and she talks like she knows it all but she is never ever ill and she hasn't had to live with the ongoing sickness i've had since i was in primary school.

And then my dad is like "oh you need hypnotherpy."
Me: Nobody is brainwashing me. I'm working with Davina she's helping me.
Dad: You always believe you're right don't you.
Me: No i believe that if i travel along the path i'm going now i'll get better. She's worked with people like me before and helped them.
Dad: Yeah but you'll probably be like 40 before you can go to the shops on the bus without mum.
Me: *desperately trying not to kick them both in the head as they're sitting on the floor and i'm on the sofa* I'm doing the best i can. I'm sorry that it's not good enough for you.

Then dad and my sister go on to talk some more about all the ways i'm doing everything wrong and how they are right and how i should get a job (even though i can't even go into town yet or sit with more than five people but yeah i'll just get a job because you say so) so in the end i am so angry i get up and go to leave and dad's all "that's right walk away" so i turn and hurl everything i'm holding in my hands (a hair magazine and a heavy purse) at his injured hand and storm out, collapsing on the floor in tears struggling to breathe and actually shaking because i'm so angry.

And neither of them have apologised. Fucking arseholes both of them, selfish and self-centered to the core.

Also watched march of the penguins...so cute

Obsessed and new video

Fri, 07 Dec 2007 23:30:30 GMT

Yes i am obsessed with the show "nearly famous" ask becci. Anyho i also have a new video i made last night/this afternoon so take a lookie look and tell me what you think please.

So Sad...

Thu, 06 Dec 2007 00:35:13 GMT

So i'm back.

Yesterday wasn't a good day for me. I watched this show called Lemur Street and my favourite little lemur died. I cried for about twenty minutes after that.
I just felt his life followed mine so closely it made me depressed and upset about my own life.
He had just been sitting on a free when this other lemur had pushed him out for no reason and he hurt his foot really badly. He struggled to keep up with his family and he kept crying out to them but they didn't even slow down, it was almost as if they didn't care about him. But he fought on and got to the tree before nightfall. but the next morning he was still hurt and was hungry but the food was really high up so he had to climb to get it nearly falling from the tree but he only managed to eat a few berries before his family left and he had to hurry after them. He was so exhausted and kept nodding off because he had no energy but he fought hard even avoiding a snake attack and feral dogs but his family didn't even care and he got so far behind that he died of exhaustion and starvation.

It's actually making me tear up even writing about it but then i felt really sad about my cat molly who died on september 1st and i realised how much i still miss her and wish she was here every day.

But i really felt like the lemur was living my live, struggling to keep with a family that didn't seem care, crying out but no-one could hear him and even though he survived all the big things he just couldn't keep going with the lack of energy he had.

On a good side i finished Chapter 14 of my novel and wrote loads of revealing stuff so i'm quite excited about that now :D

So i'll love you and leave you.
Night
xxxxxx

ORANGE MOON!!!!

Mon, 29 Oct 2007 18:52:45 GMT

We have an orange moon tonight. It;s a lunar eclipse. I'm going to go and take some pictures.

and then i'll edit this back. It's so pretty though

A New Video

Wed, 24 Oct 2007 13:13:50 GMT

So here's an advent children video i made last night to Linkin Park's Shadow of the day.
I had lots of problems with it though mainly the clips played upside down for some unknown reason so every clip i put on the timeline had to be flipped and then after i'd finished it and saved it as a real file, i played it in windows media player and it was upside down!!!

argh so i had to go back to the template and take all the "rotate 180" effects off which means that while the media player version would be the right way up the window movie maker preview ie what you spend all your time looking at will be upside down.

it did it with my ff12 clips too for some unknown reason yet all my others are fine. so anyway enjoy 4 hours of pain.

Goodbye for a few days

Fri, 19 Oct 2007 21:39:37 GMT

Just to say i'll be off line for a few days as my dad's friend "Uncle Graham" has come to stay for the weekend and he's staying in my room where my computer is so i won't be able to go online.

Miss you all lots and lots but now i'm off to play Buzz with my sister

No Seats?

Mon, 15 Oct 2007 20:08:21 GMT

So we sold your sofa's today as the new £1000 3 seater is coming tomorrow. I can't believe my parents spent that much on furniture but it does have a bed that comes out of it so i guess that's something.

Annoying as we now have no seats so we're sitting on kitchen chairs which is painful and uncomfortable for long periods of time. Also we have no kitchen door so everything is echo-ey which is creepy.
on the plus side i did a half circuit of the village without freaking so things are really good. and there's a cat show that i'm going to on the 21st.

life is flipping great for me right now.

super!

How weird is too weird?

Sat, 13 Oct 2007 21:58:08 GMT

See here's the thing: i don't think anyone actually knows me. Becci comes pretty close but there are some things i don't tell anyone.
So my question is how weird can i be before it's like creepy.

I have stuff i don't tell anyone, not because it's nasty or dirty but because it makes me look actually insane and i don't mean like that cute insane word that people throw around...i mean actually certifiable.

That is weird isn't it?

hmmm and my parents wonder why i don't have more friends

Hark It's The Park!

Thu, 11 Oct 2007 12:39:22 GMT

so yeah i am super pumped today because on tuesday i took a trip to the park without even thinking about and ended up staying for an hour, probably the longest i've stayed anywhere out for over a year.

so yeah i feel great.

Here some pictures. I also swung on the swing. good times, good times.

A wicked sunset seen from my driveway

A cute little duck that was on the river.

My blue house. Aww home.

The river near my house

The falling sun

Me

So that's your lot for now but i am loving photography at the moment :D taking pictures is fun

edit:
they've cut my photo's short so i can put myself in the whole frame it just looks like i can't.

Argh!!

Sat, 06 Oct 2007 16:21:43 GMT

My mum is really getting on my nerves today. Davina (my mental health worker) is telling me to take little steps but my mum keeps pushing me to take bigger ones that i'm not really comfortable with yet.

for example a few days ago i went up to the village hall in the car, probably the furthest i've been in a car for at least 8 or 9 months and now she wants me to go like twice that even though i've only done the village trip once.
I'm just scared she's going to push me too fast too soon and i'll be back where i started from and i hated it so much there. It was really dark and terrifying and i never want to be in that place again.

I was there last Christmas day and i hated it, really hated it so this year i'm really into the christmas spirit despite not being a christian. I'm getting really excited about singing carols and eating warm gingerbread and drinking hot chocolate and baking biscuits and everything that leads in the build up.

Roll on december. ^_^

Welcome to the world

Thu, 04 Oct 2007 17:30:30 GMT

This is my first post on a new account. I couldn't remember the old username or password and i wanted to start afresh so here we are.

I've just started by rehabilitation programme so it's a few trips out in the car everyday. It's hard and it's scary but i feel a better each time i finish that's it's starting to feel worth it even if only a little.

I'll write more later.