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And I'm back

It's been a long time but i'm finally up and running again. Computer crashed back in May and I've only just managed to get it fixed.

On to happier things, i started a steampunk/vitorian era novel yesterday. It's always fun to try something new and i've never done steampunk before so i wanted to try it out.

Also Quizzies:

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Okay so i'm off to write more, wish me luck  

Arrr!

Bloody Charity Rackham
Every pirate lives for something different. For some, it's the open sea. For others (the masochists), it's the food. For you, it's definitely the fighting. You have the good fortune of having a good name, since Rackham (pronounced RACKem, not rack-ham) is one of the coolest sounding surnames for a pirate. Arr!
Get your own pirate name from piratequiz.com.
part of the fidius.org network </div></div>

Mar. 14th, 2008




Crap :(




WANTED FOR THE PASSIONATE SHOOTING of an EXPENSIVE LEMUR
$2700
</div> What's Your Blog Wanted For?

 

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so creepily true

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That's all for now

So i've been a moody biatch

Yep, hands up i'm admitting it. Lately i've been very unhappy and i think it's to do with my feeling of being trapped. I'm trapped in this place, in this house, in this room, in my mind and some times it feels like it's suffocating me.

I want to be honest from now on, i'm sick of lying and pretending everything is fine when it's not. So i'm going to let you in on a little secret; sometimes at night i want to fly away from all this. I want to feel the wind in my face and just be up in the stars where no-one can hurt me.

I've lost all my friends bar 1 over this and that hurts sometimes. The friends i do still talk to occasionally, well i don't know what they think about me and my "condition" but i don't say and they don't ask. I lie to be frank about how i am, why i am and i'm done.

From now on i vow to be a better person and to live my life the way i deserve too, out there with people, interacting.

I think i'm scared to grow up but i'll be 20 in 2 days (eek) and i don't want to have nothing to look forward too. So this is it, the new me and some people may not like that but that's their problem not mine.

To walk among the shadows is to live in fear of the light

I'm done being scared of being noticed, i'm going to walk in the light and nothing or no-one will hold me back.

Peace
Kirsty
So i was supposed to write in on my lj but since my internet is down i'm typing it on word pad and then i'll post it to my lj later.

It's my 20th birthday in a few weeks and here's the thing; i have done absoluetly nothing with my life. I'm going to be twenty and i have nothing to show for it. I have no good GCSE grades, i've never had a serious boyfriend and i don't think i've ever truely lived and that scares me.

I feel like my life in unravelling at the seams. I've just spent twenty minutes crying and i'm not even sure why. I hate my life. There i can say it, i do, i hate my life. I hate the person i am. I'm so miserable all the time and i walk around with a fake smile plastered on my face like it matters, like i'm getting better but i'm not. I'm more scared than ever and i don't know how to work past it and here's the shocker, i'm not even sure that i want to anymore.

I'm not sure if i want my life back, i don't think i deserve it anymore...maybe i never really did. I hate telling everyone that i'm "fine" or "okay" when in fact i'm slowly loosing my mind. I hate the fact that none of my friends know (except Becci) and i hate the fact that i can't tell them because i'm scared of what they'll think of me. I hate that one of my friends that i did tell deserted me like i wasn't important enough since i wasn't well and i hate that that makes me feel hate.

I am so sad that words can really not describe how i feel. I have to be at an appointment in fifteen minutes but i'm not going to go. I can't or maybe i don't want to. I am so lost i'm not sure where the fake Kirsy ends and the real Kirsty begins. I'm scared that if i show people the person i really am, they'll turn away from me.

But the thing that scares me most is that i'm not sure how much more of this i can take. I can't make myself better and if i can't get better then i'm not sure what's left for me.

EDIT:

Just spoke to my mum and through the crying we talked and i'm not really sure what's going to happen next.
 So stay tuned. sorry but if i don't laugh i'll loose it again. 
Yes it's that time of the month again...no not that time, the quiz time ^_^

So here are some quizzes I took to keep procrastinating. Groove on Groovesters.





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And one final test that i took for one of characters i'm writing about:
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Go Eden:D
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Quizzes aka copying the becci

i don't know how to do lj cuts so forgive me



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Also...

Wrote loads more notes including a three page (A4!!!!) double sided history on one of my characters. I'm really excited about this story but i'm pacing myself as i tend to burn out.

Wish me luck :)

What gives you the right?

I have to ask the age old question : why is my father such an arse!

My sister is going for an audition tomorrow for a musical and my dad was all "why do you want to do that?" as in that she's not good enough and totally condensing and belittling her when she's so scared to audition because she doesn't think she's good enough. I don't get along with my sister all that well but to deliberately hurt someone when they are trying to do what they always have wanted to do is such a horrible thing.
He's so bloody critical of us that i gave up a long time ago trying to pander to his ideals. I remember one time when i washed the car and my dad reduced me to tears because i hadn't done a good enough job even though i'd spent hours cleaning all the dirt and everything off it. I was 11 at the time.
He moans that we're not doing the things we want to do and then we try he makes us feel as if it's useless. Don't get me wrong i love my father (even though i'm still not sure that he feels the same for me) but it's hard to get along with him when he is so critical even though his life isn't that great. He's always talking about how much of a burden i am and how he though us kids would have moved out by now.

Yeah because this is exactly how i wanted my life to be, being so emotionally crippled i can't be around people.

I hardly move around in the house a lot, i only watch tv when everyone else has gone to bed, i eat my meals on my own and i spend half the day sleeping, and the rest in my room or out of the way.

I'm just angry that we let him get to us as we do. He really hurt my sister (she cried and she never cries) and he doesn't even seem sorry. It's not on, at least one of us deserves to have some kind of good future and my sister's the only one that can do that.

Yey Day

So today my stuff arrived from Play and i was so happy because i finally have Alias Season 2 and Angel Season 4 and the first episode of Alias S2 has a shirtless Vaughn so i was very happy...and last night when i was channel hopping i stumbled on a Firefly episode (Objects In Space) and it was at the part where Simon (Sean Maher) was shirtless so all in all a very good night/morning. I have to say though i have never seen a doctor that buff, he must spend the time he's not at work in the gym.

Nothing much else to report other than story is going well. Did another six pages of notes for the "Haze" story. And got some inspiration when I watched Dark Angel  Pilot episode this morning. Another show i must die on dvd. I love the relationship between Max and Logan and how even though he's got a shotgun pointed at her chest you know the girl is in complete control of the situation, gotta love super powered girls.